On A Foreign Mission Field
Many days I don’t even know how I feel—I mean when you are just kinda “lost” but not lost-
Just that you don’t belong anywhere- like nothing is real, or like you are just in a dream or more like when you are reading a book you get lost in the other world and when you stop reading you realize you are somewhere else- nothing or no one seems to matter— or like everyone is just playing a role- pretending
or actually only being whatever they need to be- not really connected to you- just people in a story- you long for the “used to be’ to reconnect yourself to what you thought life was- when you try to make what “is” what “was” in hopes of gaining back who you were but you find that doesn’t work either——- what you thought was—really wasn’t—I mean I guess in certain ways it is still but not really—life goes on, things change- -people’s focus and priorities change and you don’t fit where you once did—— or, well, actually you’ve changed— and the place you are, is in between there and here
The “was”………….. “isn’t”
You just do….
and the “is” .. doesn’t exist-
Seeking and longing for a connection, some glimmer of like-mindedness-
Only to find yourself “Somewhere” and yet…. Nowhere—-
I come back today and adding to my previous thoughts….
A scripture was brought to my mind as I was traveling down the road looking at the roadside and something just hit me like, wow. Maybe that’s it, maybe that is a little bit of what Christ means when He says,
“those who lose yourself for my sake shall find it.”
Then said Jesus unto his disciples, “If any man will come after me, let him deny himself, and take up his cross,
and follow me.
and anyone who does not take up his cross and follow Me is not worthy of Me. Whoever finds his life will lose it, and whoever loses his life for My sake will find it.”
Maybe this is what God is wanting me to realize. I don’t feel I belong because where I am trying to fit doesn’t exist anymore. That part of me that I thought was me is fading. In whatever ways I want to regain it only brings emptiness– it is an inward struggle to let go of the being of what was…… and just be what is ————–
Chosen To Serve 